President Obama Proposes Launching Sputnik

Winston-Salem, North Carolina. President Barack Obama spoke before a group of epoxy testers on Monday, giving a speech that laid out his administration’s plans for launching an experimental spacecraft called a Sputnik. The project he detailed to the workers, some who looked unintentionally glazed over from glue fumes, would see the United States fuel the fires of technical and scientific superiority by sending objects into space. The Sputnik, a Russian term for “steel potato”, is a 184-pound steel satellite capable of sending a steady electronic beeping message back to earth. The President confidently told the crowd that we’ll gain an edge in the technological world, because “people love steady electronic beeps.” With this technology, the White House hopes to push for more objects in space that enable phones, televisions, cars and (eventually) small children to beep ,

The Administration has let slip since Monday details of the new American space fever. The contract for the Sputnik was awarded to the Mattel corporation of El Segundo, California. Mattel, primarily known for the manufacture of children’s toys, plans to produce replica’s of their original Sputnik and sell them as the “Hot Wheels 184-pound Steel Potato.”  The launch vehicle, a two stage ballistic missile, will be manufactured by Hyundai Motors. Executives assure the public that the rocket will look as pretty sitting by the side of the road (doing nothing) as their automobiles do.

President Obama wrapped up his message to workers Monday by letting them know that not only will the Sputnik be paid for with taxpayer dollars, but it will also be filled with money as well. As part of the ongoing economic stimulus plan, whatever cash that is inside Sputnik falls to earth without burning up in the atmosphere may be retrieved on a finders/keepers basis. The President has hinted in private about an ambitious plan for technological follow-up to the daring Sputnik project. In a bold, visionary strategy, the President is telling advisers that he’d like a Sputnik big enough to carry humans aloft. Scientists at Mattel are remaining quiet on this subject as they haven’t been able to sustain life in a 184 pound sealed steel potato as of yet. Hyundai engineers are looking at space vehicles with air holes, to keep travelers alive for days at a time and are partnering with UPS, who has a solid track record of shipping people around the world in boxes.